Tag: Action Hero

Review: The Quiet War

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The Quiet War

I must confess by this point I read The Quiet War just because I wanted to see just how far down Mark Hewitt’s Duncan Hunter series could go. Two chapters in, I was not disappointed. We get a padded flashback chapter where every single technical name is spelled out in full like it was a late Gold Eagle book, and then an example of the gargantuan homophobia the series became infamous for. And another. And another. The “flashback” chapters reach double digits, treating us to such horrors from the main character’s perspective as The Beatles.

This is not a book about a super-plane, even though there’s a chapter where it effortlessly crushes its opposition (like it has always done in the series). This is a book about gay communists. This sounds like some online insult, but it’s actually the factual book subject matter (besides said squash and a past article about the main character finding a treasure chest.) Tirades about how a cabal of gay communists were steered by the USSR into sabotaging America make up most of this. And the previous book. And…

So this isn’t even amusingly bad. It’s just on repeat.

A Thousand Words: The Punisher 1989

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The Punisher (1989)

Marvel in the 1980s did not have the resources DC had when it came to movie adaptations. So while Superman and Batman got massive, well produced, praised movies with all star casts, Marvel got stuff like… the 1989 Punisher. Where the biggest star was Dolph Lundgren, and getting Louis Gossett as another character probably took up most of the rest of the budget.

Thing is, this isn’t really that bad. Not because of the actual movie itself, which is a sleazy low budget action thriller. But rather because the Punisher is uniquely suited to sleazy low budget action thrillers in ways most other superheroes aren’t. So unlike say, the awful 1990 Captain America, this at least has a reach that doesn’t exceed its grasp. And there are worse things than sleazy low budget action thrillers.

A Thousand Words: Nitro Ball

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Nitro Ball

Nitro Ball is a 1992 Data East arcade game based on Midway’s legendary Smash TV, keeping the same basic gameplay and “game show of death” style. While a lot of their games are “we have ____ at home” in terms of quality (to the point where one brought about lawsuits ), this builds on the formula instead of copying it. The “Ball” in the title refers to pinball stages where the contestant can indulge his inner Sonic the Hedgehog, rolling around for bonus points.

The game looks great for the time and starts off in the self proclaimed “Strange Football Field”, full of garish NFL Americana and an amazing music track. Sadly the rest of the game’s style doesn’t match that great start, but it is still a fun and overlooked gem.

Review: Fireworks

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Fireworks

Legendary gun instructor and writer Jeff Cooper wrote (or rather complied, as most he had published before) Fireworks in the late 1970s. Cooper politically was the kind of person who made Jesse Helms seem like a hippie, but the more interesting part is that he was one of the most pretentious writers ever to write. The sympathetic version is that if you’re actually teaching pistol shooting, you have to be very to the point, so writing gave him a chance to stretch his mental legs.

The not so sympathetic version is that Cooper was a perfect example of the kind of person who thinks he is far more intelligent and profound than he actually is. Combine this with being very easily impressed and you have a cross between Hemingway at his worst and your uncle who’s enthralled by this thing called “television”.

This book is entertaining, albeit likely not in the way its author intended.

Review: Labyrinth

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Labyrinth

An early Jon Land novel that somehow escaped my eye until now, Labyrinth has every note I know him for. There’s a super conspiracy with super weapons to take over the world, infighting within said super-conspiracy, and a crazy plot that ends in a crazier set piece (this one involves old warbird propeller planes).

This by Jon Land’s standards isn’t the best simply because it’s too conventional. If this was my first Land book I’d probably have loved it more, but I know he can do goofier (and thus better) in hindsight. Oh well.

A Thousand Words: NARC

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NARC

The 1988 Williams arcade game NARC is probably the most 1980s piece of interactive media developed. Playing as super-cops in biker helmets Max Force and Hit Man, you blast your way through a drug empire of hobos, dealers, weed-growing Rambos, prostitute-kidnapping clowns, henchmen who couldn’t decide if they wanted to dress like mobsters or construction workers, and attack dogs, ruled by a giant biomechanical head-worm. None of that is exaggerated or false.

There is nothing subtle or easy about this game. It’s meant to have you win solely by pushing in quarters. (Who’s the addiction inducing dealer now?) But it is fun and is well, incredibly 1980s.

A Thousand Words: Knuckle Bash

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Knuckle Bash

One of the weirdest Final Fight descendants, Knuckle Bash is a very strange game. Yes I know I repeated myself. But it is. That it was made by the same people who made Zero “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” Wing explains some of it, including the plot which involves pro wrestlers fighting a group called the “Bulls” (well, Michael Jordan was at the height of his power when the game came out…)

The game is janky and poorly translated (to put it mildly) but the best/worst part is the enemies. For instance, the first stage is outside a hotel. The enemies there include hotel doormen. Then a later level as sunglasses wearing tourists alongside the typical thugs.

This isn’t good by any means, but it is memorable. And that’s more than can be said for a lot of video games.

A Thousand Words: Tough Turf

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In 1989, Final Fight revolutionized the arcade brawler. In that same year, a game called Tough Turf showed just how much Final Fight revolutionized the genre. The game has… no story. Just a well dressed person beating up a bunch of less well dressed people.

Do you like stupid arbitrary game-over restrictions even by arcade standards? Controls terrible even at the time? Platforming that Final Fight mercifully stopped? Then Tough Turf is the game for you. About the only good thing is the jumpy upbeat music. That and the weird conclusion where the would-be damsel in distress is actually the final boss and the ending is just a picture of her slumped body.

Just play Final Fight instead.

Review: The Machiavelli Covenant

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The Machiavelli Covenant

Allan Folsom’s The Machiavelli Covenant is the story of people walking around Europe in search of a nebulous conspiracy. Kind of like his first novel, The Day After Tomorrow, where people walked around Europe in search of a nebulous conspiracy that involved Adolf Hitler’s preserved head. Here it involves the kind of thing that Jon Land would make and make amazing through ridiculous set pieces. Except here, there aren’t any and the whole thing has a poker face that would have given it millions of earnings in the WSOP.

Well, the set pieces technically are ridiculous, but not in a “wow a monster truck chase” kind of way. More like “ok, it’s the twentieth chapter of people getting in and out of cars.” It’s ridiculous in a not-so-fun way, not a fun way.

I truly believe this book could be a quarter of the length it actually was and still work. I hope it was due to some length obligation by the publisher, but given Folsom’s other work, I really doubt it.

A Thousand Words: Riding Fight

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Riding Fight

Taito’s Riding Fight is a very unique video game.

It tries to match Mode Seven Style “flat but three dimension” fast movement with brawling. While it doesn’t always succeed, I give it credit for trying, and the presentation and music are excellent. The plot involves superhero-mercs-whoever on hoverboards fighting evil, from Momar Gaddafi (yes the second boss is based on him) to Japanese mystic princesses. The final section involves saving “the young mistress of an important man”, which I really hope was a mistranslation. Otherwise it would be a unique twist on the “Save the princess” (what would his wife think?)

The novelty and ambition alone makes this game worth it.